Satire: The Pre-School

Welcome to Princess Margaret Secondary School, home of the Mustangs…welcome to daycare. Where you’re expected to act like an adult but are treated like a child. Late to class? Don’t worry, the stern talking to you’ll receive will not be harsh. Homework not done? Again, don’t worry! You can hand it in 2 weeks later and still get a full mark. If you procrastinated and didn’t study for your upcoming test, no worries, you can talk to the teacher and postpone it. All these wonderful devices to aid in your childishness are right at your fingertips here in Princess Margaret Secondary School. The expectations here are simple: do anything you’d like! No consequences, no penalties, it’s all good. The fact that I can literally go to Tim Horton’s during class time and still receive no punishment is great! High School is a pretty great place to just get away with anything really. Take last week for example, I decided to go to a party and didn’t do the homework assigned. It was all good, I just handed it in 3 days later and got an even better mark than I expected. High School really is the best place to act like an adult and make adult decisions.    

College Application

            Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I, however, just happen to have all.

            I have climbed Mount Everest, wrangled a hog, and read War and Peace in one sitting, all while cooking a feast for the Queen of England. Performing open heart surgery, repairing the 2011 Olympic Torch, and passing math 12 with Mr. Killick are only a few of the encounters I’ve successfully completed.

            I am 5”6 and 3 quarters. I’ve taught Sidney Crosby how to skate, Tim Tebow how to throw a touchdown, and taught the Sedin Sister’s to shoot a puck. I play soccer. Creating Apple, Microsoft, and the 10-Minute Brownies only took me an hour to do. Jay-Z idolizes me. Adele adores me. Channing Tatum loves me. Mrs. Sutherland despises me. I got my N.

            I helped Anne Frank write her diary. “O’Canada” is my anthem. I don’t ride horses, I ride woolly mammoths. I don’t eat hamburgers, I eat beef burgers. I don’t walk, I saunter. I ran, I jumped, I skipped, I hopped across Russia, and only received one blister. Keeping the peace is my second job. I can’t dance.

            I’ve been around the world in 79 days, constructed the Eiffel Tower, and been a blonde for 72 hours. Cats cuddle me, dogs depend on me, snakes smile at me, and lizards love me.

            And yet, I have not attended university.